Stars line up for ‘Chilcot – The Movie’ (well, not quite yet)

Geoff Hoon: Played by Chevy Chase. Picture: David Shankbone

If Oliver Stone can make a film about George Bush’s Presidency and Stephen Frears can make a flick about Tony Blair’s phone calls to The Queen then Hollywood executives should be greenlighting Chilcot – The Movie before their next power breakfast in Malibu.

In terms of the genre, a film adaptation of The Chilcot Inquiry could be a screwball comedy (Dumb & Dumber springs to mind), Greek tragedy, a disaster movie or even horror. It’d be almost certainly an American film, with British funding, and not a European art-house flick. They would not wish to be associated with it.

In terms of director, Steven Spielberg made 1941, but it flopped. He may not be willing to shoot 1441.

It could be helmed by Armando Iannucci as a satire (In the Loop didn’t have anyone hamming it up quite as much as Tony Blair did on Friday) and the obvious scriptwriter is The Queen, The Deal and Frost/Nixon writer Peter Morgan, or West Wing and Charlie Wilson’s War scribe Aaron Sorkin. The director of photography may need to be more familiar with whitewash than white balance. As for the music, any questions about the war dossier should of course be soundtracked with Color Me Badd’s No 1 “I wanna sex you up”. The hard part will be in casting. Just to get the ball rolling, here are some ideas:

Sir John Chilcot: The slightly aloof air of JK Simmons from Burn After Reading or Up in the Air would do the job, if he could manage an English accent.

Baroness Prashar: Not a woman to be trifled-with, so Alien-era Sigourney Weaver, possibly.

Lord Goldsmith: Smarmy but ineffectual. Nigel Havers? Brian Capron, who played Richard Hillman in Coronation Street, and nearly got away with murder also springs to mind.

Sir Roderic Lyne: Carlsberg don’t do withering English tones. That’s because Sir Michael Gambon has cornered that market.

Jonathan Powell: Blair’s chief of staff: In true sidekick mode, Tony Roberts, Woody Allen’s best mate in many of his best movies

Sir Michael Wood: The Foreign Office lawyer whose advice was rejected by Jack Straw could be played by Jack Nicholson, in Col Nathan Jessep mode: “You Can’t Handle the Truth”.

Geoff Hoon: If you’re looking for someone with the intellect, authority and gravitas to play the former Defence Secretary, look no further than Chevy Chase.

Alastair Campbell: a bluff, older, combative English tough guy actor like Tom Georgeson from Between the Lines or John Forgeham from Mean Machine could work. Or Albert Finney if they have the money. If he’s willing to shave off the beard, Chuck Norris could be ideal as long as Chuck’s willing to research and channel the character of a Burnley FC bore.

Margaret Beckett: Has to be Megan Fox. Naw, just kidding. Surgical Spirit’s Nichola McAuliffe could play the former Foreign Secretary.

Tony Blair: Arguably the most difficult casting call. Michael Sheen is the obvious go-to guy, having been over the course on The Queen and The Deal, but going obvious is dull. You want someone who started singing in a rock band, has always had pretensions of being an actor, waves his hands around too much and now fancies himself as an intellectual. Send for Mick Jagger.

You’ll have your own suggestions but they can’t take too long. The film’s length? 45 minutes.

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